Another day to walk with Christ.

It’s just a square on a page of a calendar with a number in it.  But it was my first birthday without her.  And on that calendar square, there’s something about the silly cheering our moms do for us. I could be fifty and still expect her to be tooting my horn the loudest. It’d…

Christmas While We Wait: Day Twelve.

DAY TWELVE A glimpse of the glory to come. I had another dream about Mom. Awaking heartbroken at 2:00 a.m. makes for a heavy next day. She was radiant, and it’s a glimpse of her completeness in Christ. I wish I could put my arms around her. Christmas has left me longing.  This is an emotionally charged season. When everything is…

Christmas While We Wait: Day Eleven.

DAY ELEVEN Helping another is my healing. The loneliness in pain can be weighty, but for every inch of loneliness is miles of fellowship. Because now you know more about suffering than you ever have. And that means you’re more connected to humanity than you’ve ever been. You are softer. You are relatable. You are a resource for God’s work in others’ pain. …

Christmas While We Wait: Day Ten.

DAY TEN The humility of neediness. Months ago, a friend called and was feeling the weight of my pain. She went on to say that life was going mostly like she wanted, and how easy it would be to feel guilt over that. She instead concluded that the reason she can be strong for me…

Christmas While We Wait: Day Nine.

DAY NINE The pit of self. I walked into my house a couple months after Mom died, unintelligibly exasperated with life. Everything felt hard. Even the rudimentary task of deciding what to eat for dinner felt debilitating. I kicked one of my kids’ toys, causing me to lose my balance and whimper in pain on…

Christmas While We Wait: Day Eight.

DAY EIGHT The paralysis of regret and dread. Sometimes grief is feeling everything at the same time. The paralysis in loss is palpable. I want to ignore the fact that the holidays are coming, and I want to control every detail of the holidays to avoid surprise. I feel the misery of staying stuck and…

Christmas While We Wait: Day Seven.

DAY SEVEN Am I making this harder than it needs to be? For months straight, our closet lightbulb was burned out. We live in an old house, and removing the globes on our ancient fixtures felt like an undertaking. As annoying as it was to navigate our closet in the dark, my husband and I…

Christmas While We Wait: Day Six.

DAY SIX The new thing. I remember another mother giving advice about how to manage the day-to-day circus of restless kids. She advised that when children become restless, it’s helpful to change rooms in the house. Something so practical became a profound staple in my parenting toolbox. I wonder if we’re feeling restless as we…

Christmas While We Wait: Day Five.

DAY FIVE When grief sounds like envy. Seeing a mom and daughter together can thrust me into the blur of what should have been. The holiday season is replete with reminders. The complicated pangs of grief too easily twist themselves into envy and bitterness. Why do they get that life, and why do I not?…