I’m the reason my baby won’t sleep through the night.

Ex-squeeze-me, but where has this year gone?

We’re knee-deep in the second quarter, and I’m still trying to come up with my New Year’s resolution.

Let me see if I can make out my notes here.

Sl—

Sle—

Sleep.

Ah yes, that’s right: it was to sleep more.

Sleep more.

Well, there I go repeating myself again.

You’ll have to forgive me.

My eyelids are presently propped open with toothpicks, and I’m having difficulty seeing my keyboard.

It’s just that my 9-month-old does not sleep.

He really hasn’t much since birth.

At first, his doctor said he’s just a large child, so he will eat all night.

And he did.

But he’s never stopped.

Because his girth has only increased, we’ve ruled out any milk supply issue.

Isn’t your second kid supposed to sleep better?

You’d think this were my first rodeo.

Well, this cowgirl’s tired.

Now, every empathetic passerby has kindly recommended a preferred sleep-training technique.

And they were right to do so.

And for a while, I gave it my best go.

But the reality is: I can’t cry it out [for very long].

I just can’t.

I end up being the one who’s mostly crying it out—slouched by the door of the room that holds my baby who needs snuggled.

It stresses me immensely.

It’s no secret that I’m the problem.

I know that a 9-month old should not be regularly waking 3-5 times per night.

I know that a 9-month old should self-soothe.

I know that a 9-month old does not need to eat all night long.

I know, people.

I know.

And a few months ago, I cared.

But those few months came and went, with no sight of improvement.

And now?

Now I know that I know that I know that I am, in fact, the problem.

But I also know that my baby will sleep through the night at some point, no matter what I do.

I know that at that time, for a short bit, I’ll be relieved and more rested.

I know that soon after, I’ll miss this.

I’ll miss this year where my baby boy relied on me more than anyone.

I’ll miss rocking him into the early morning hours, while the world is quiet.

I’ll miss being needed this much—arguably more than this little boy will ever need me again in his life.

Yes, I may be the reason my baby won’t sleep.

But it doesn’t bother me enough to fix it.

87266DF7-04F8-4EC0-8636-614BD0E81D40

3 Comments Add yours

  1. Ann says:

    Keep rocking and feeding! This time will not be wasted. Blessings!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Melanie Clay says:

    Beautifully stated and so true…..it won’t be long when you will be writing about how independent he is and how it’s hard to get him out of bed. Blessings momma!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Lindsey says:

    I stumbled upon this completely randomly, and as a new mother who is chronically low on sleep, I really needed to read this. Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s