As you know by now, I’m very likely the world’s best mom.

Being the trophy parent I am, although I’m wildly busy being an attentive, sensitive, and crafty mother, it’s only right that I give of myself to help you navigate your difficult parenting journey.

Consequently, I’m fielding a Q. & A., where mothers anonymously submit problematic parenting scenarios to me for my sage counsel.

During this process, it occurred to me, that out of the goodness of my heart, I should make my materials generally available to you.

Here we go.

Extremely anonymous Q. & A.:

Q. My toddler will unexpectedly flush the toilet while I’m on it. How do I respond to this?

A. Stand up as quickly as possible once you hear the flushing sound. Best of luck.

Q. I’m a mom to a two-year-old boy, who likes to randomly pull on my shirt at the neck. The other day, he pulled my entire cardigan down to my belly button as I was talking to an elderly male Lowe’s associate about carpet installation. What should I do?

A. Pray to the Good Lord that you have adequate undergarments on that day. Then promptly exit the conversation.

Q. The other day at the grocery store, my child launched a plastic container of soup across multiple aisles, nearly striking an older, less impressed patron. What do I do if this happens again?

A. Head down. Walk of shame. Be grateful your child may have a future in sports.

Q. My two-year-old son recently emerged from our living room, running his hands through his mane, proudly exclaiming, “washed hair.” The only source of water in the family room is our dogs’ water. Can you help me?

A.  No. But in the meantime, celebrate your son’s independence and apparent hygienic tendencies.

Q. My toddler son frequently talks about his “peemus” in public, saying phrases like: “my peemus hurts” or loudly acknowledging that others have a “peemus.” How do I navigate these situations?

A. Maybe work on phonetically differentiating between the M and N sounds, so at least people can appreciate his anatomical acuity.

Q. Ever since we turned my toddler’s rear-facing car seat forward facing, he incessantly screams “Drive. Drive? Drive!” and it’s very distracting.  How do I prevent this?

A. Turn the car seat back to rear-facing.

Q. My son recently got into wet paint with a stir stick and proceeded to paint the living room cabinets, floor, and fireplace. How do I remove the paint?

A. Perhaps you can rent a time machine and try being more attentive.

Q. It’s time to transition my rambunctious 27-month-old son from his crib to a bed. He is a very curious and adventurous child, so I foresee sleep deprivation in our future. Any tips?

A. There’s really no reason your son needs to transition from a crib to a bed before middle school. That’s probably the worst idea you’ve ever had. Instead, simply dangle his long limbs between the crib rails. He’ll learn to adjust.

Q. My toddler eats at least 4 fruit and nut bars a day, followed by multiple helpings of mixed fresh fruit. Is this too much fruit?

A. Is there such a thing? It’s not like he’s eating pixie sticks. Don’t ask me weird questions like this ever again.

Q. My two-year-old son likes to lick apples and put them back in the fruit bin at the grocery store. What should I do?

A. Swiftly return the apples to their proper bin and get out of dodge.

Now, I realize these parenting situations may seem like past personal experiences of mine.

I will admit it is quite peculiar that all of the foregoing questions consistently involve an ornery two-year-old and arguably inattentive mom with poor judgment.

Shrugs shoulders.

But we know better than that, don’t we?

Don’t we?

Well, this is getting a bit uncomfortable.

It appears we’ve run out of time.

And the baffling parenting woes discussed today would never be committed by the same, individual parent. I mean, what are the odds. That would be very frowned upon.

Very.

But it’s neither here nor there, really.

Because we’re all just trying the best we can. 😉

And at the end of the day, if your sugarbabe is alive and well and secure and loved and (mostly) joyful, I tip my hat to you, dear mom.

❤